Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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