Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
