theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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