The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
