I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
