You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
