I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
