My nipple is on Facebook.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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