so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
