if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
