Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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