Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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