I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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