So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How does one acquire holy water?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
