oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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