my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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