so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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