my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
