Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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