It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
