Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
