why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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