Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You took a bar mat shot.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
