when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We have started to decorate penises.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
