Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
