That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
