hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
