I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
