I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
