I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
