Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
