We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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