i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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