If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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