living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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