apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
