Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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