you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
