Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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