he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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