I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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