she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
