I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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