i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
