He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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