Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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