His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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