i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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