I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
birth control should be required to get into college
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
