Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
