I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
