hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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