At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
