how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
